I see the matrix is more popular than xmpp, but why?
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Do you self host? I read that the federation is where performance becomes a challenge?
Has resource usage gone up dramatically when you started federating?
Yes, I do. Federation is a joke in terms of resource usage. It really depends on your system and config of course but I host 4 fediverse services and a lot more stuff which doesnt even touch the 10% cpu utilization, doesnt touch 50% of my ram.
The information you find online is mostly outdated and people who dont self host dont have barely any real knowledge about the services.
I encourage you to try for yourself so you can see what works and what doesnt. Feel free to hit me up if you want to know anything about it.