I’m 30 years old (soon to be 31). I’m a new trans woman (still working through how I might accept it and see myself). I’m unsure how far I should go. I’ve spoken at some length on other communities about what it feels like to be “ugly and masc”. I realize feeling like I can’t “pass” as a fem is partly due to deeply rooted transphobia. I have what most older men have: masculine distribution of fat (bit of a belly), hairy everywhere, fears of balding (so far not yet), deepish voice, etc.
If I had no friends or family, I’d probably just go all in: hormone therapies, voice training, surgeries, etc. But I feel like I need to pass in front of my immediate family since I’m sure I wouldn’t be accepted. I love them, but they wouldn’t get it.
I don’t know how far I should go with transitioning. I am currently considering growing out my hair, shaving, and trying to do exercises that conform my body to a more stereotypical feminine shape. Is there a lot of risk in hormone therapies and voice training? Is it hard to go “boy mode” after the fact? What about being 30+ years old and starting it? Should I just accept I’ll never pass?
This is why I started estrogen, I couldn’t mentally handle thinking of starting HRT with the goal of becoming a woman, because I felt I never would be a woman and all of that was just too painful. So instead I set a more achievable goal: transition just to improve my mental health, just to feel better.
Estrogen made me life affirming for the first time since before puberty, I had no idea I was even depressed before, but I am so much happier and “normal” on estrogen. I had no idea this could be the case, I didn’t even know trans people were impacted this way, it was shocking to me when I read about “biochemical dysphoria”.
I remember after first taking estrogen that whether I was trans or not, I would happily take estrogen as a recreational drug. That was a bit clarifying, as no matter whether I decided to continue transition or to live as a woman, I knew that estrogen felt amazing and I wanted to keep taking it. That estrogen might someday make me look like a woman was just a bonus. :-)
Funny thing was, I was so scared of not passing that it took quite a few sessions in therapy to find the confidence to just ‘try’ hormones.
As the weeks passed and changes started I became more and more comfortable with transitioning. I remember a few weeks in there was a moment as if a switch was flicked in my brain and life went from black and white to colour. I was walking in the evening and started crying at how beautiful the sunset through the trees looked. I’d never experienced emotions like it!