I’m 30 years old (soon to be 31). I’m a new trans woman (still working through how I might accept it and see myself). I’m unsure how far I should go. I’ve spoken at some length on other communities about what it feels like to be “ugly and masc”. I realize feeling like I can’t “pass” as a fem is partly due to deeply rooted transphobia. I have what most older men have: masculine distribution of fat (bit of a belly), hairy everywhere, fears of balding (so far not yet), deepish voice, etc.
If I had no friends or family, I’d probably just go all in: hormone therapies, voice training, surgeries, etc. But I feel like I need to pass in front of my immediate family since I’m sure I wouldn’t be accepted. I love them, but they wouldn’t get it.
I don’t know how far I should go with transitioning. I am currently considering growing out my hair, shaving, and trying to do exercises that conform my body to a more stereotypical feminine shape. Is there a lot of risk in hormone therapies and voice training? Is it hard to go “boy mode” after the fact? What about being 30+ years old and starting it? Should I just accept I’ll never pass?
I started transitioning at 41, and that was 8 years ago. You’ve got this.
As for the rest of your post, you’re putting the cart before the horse. Your priorities will change. What you value now isn’t what you’ll want in a year or 5 years. That’s because not only will you change, but the world is changing and your family and friends will change with you as well, as the relationships you have with them shift.
The advice I can give you is focus on what feels like a good next step at that moment in time. It’s not about knowing and planning a specific future or outcome, it’s about giving yourself permission to explore, and experiment and find out what works for you. It’s giving yourself permission to acknowledge that this is all new, and you don’t have the answers.
I guarantee that your relationship with cis passing as a goal will change. I’m not saying it will go away, just that for newly self accepted trans women, the focus on the medical and physical steps of passing is often all consuming and the lens through which we see our journey, but it rarely consumes the same amount of headspace for trans folk that have been out for a year or two. Again, I’m not saying it will go away, but as you journey down this path, the things that will matter to you most will change, and invariably, they won’t relate to cis passing in the way you think they will.
So for now, give yourself permission to explore some things, and start exploring. And then just keep doing that.