I’m a trans-woman. My wife is hetero-normative. She likes men. She isn’t attracted to women. She likes some “effeminate” features: men with long hair, big butts, some minor make-up. But she - in her own words - likes the ineffable quality of masculinity.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, my wife is politically as far left as one could go; trans ideologies are not foreign to her.
We have started “the big talk” last week and it started well. She was 100% supportive and was open to the idea of me transitioning. However, that was her knee-jerk reaction. As she’s had time to mull on it, she’s afraid she won’t be attracted to me as I transition. She’s worried that as my body/style changes, that she will lose her attraction to me. She’s, frankly, not a lesbian.
We left the conversation in an uncomfortable place. It seems pretty clear that if I reached my transition goals, I would lose her. She really tried to not make that the ultimatum it sounds like, but I can read between the lines. We are both super open and we both love each other inside and out. My wife is just afraid that she won’t be attracted to me anymore.
She’s also afraid that I’ll choose to not transition to protect our marriage. And her fears are well founded. I was thinking about starting hormones this year, but now I’m backing out quickly. To be honest, I’d rather never explore being trans than lose my wife. She’s the best partner anyone could ask for. She provides love, support, fun, learning, etc. We also just started a family. I don’t know what to say.
I know many of you are probably thinking that if I wait, I’ll either be miserable or I’ll eventually cave and transition later in life; at that point, we will have an even harder time in our marriage. That being said, my wife is leftist and open and open-hearted. She’s willing to support me in trying out feminine things, but she’s afraid hormones will make permanent changes that make me unattractive to her. So, maybe I can have the best of both worlds.
I have seen other people mention that they got a divorce and that was their solution. I think that’s a valid solution for some people, but it’s just not an option for me. I don’t know how to explain it, but divorce seems far worse than any dysphoria I’ve experienced. I think that’s the only way I can say it. I’d rather continue experiencing dysphoria than lose her.
So, is that my answer?
I’m not really expecting strangers on the internet to solve my marriage issues here. But I figured this little vent might resonate with some people and it might help others know they aren’t alone.
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Even cis het couples can change as they get older, and sometimes it’s so much that they aren’t attracted anymore. If you still love each other, and both want to stay together, then you’ll need to know that your choice will involve compromise. If either of you can’t live with the compromise, you choose to go separate ways. This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends or stop loving each other.
This doesn’t make it any easier, but know you’re not alone, and this challenge is faced by many married people—not just trans folks.
Good luck with you and your wife’s soul searching.
I don’t have a solution, but its really beautiful to hear your relationship’s clear communication, accepting love, and respect for each others needs.
Its a tough spot to be in, the solution agreed on may require a sacrifice in the way things are today, but even still, the fact that you can talk and share and love through this is a powerful thing and will lead to a better solution than otherwise.
So long as you both are listening, respecting, and loving each other it will be OK even if how the relationship is defined today changes.
OP, this one right here.
I feel a bit out of place because I’m cis het but I went through a divorce with a lot of communication and no ill will. Soon after the divorce my ex wife started dating a woman and seemed much happier. We didn’t have kids, so that also made the conversation smoother, but it was far from the horror stories I’ve heard about ugly divorces.
This communication with your partner will be one of your biggest assets, the other one being introspection. Knowing how you value your feelings of divorce vs dysmorphia is crucial and will be your guide. Definitely worth finding a couples therapist who specifically deals with trans concerns would be a huge help navigating your feelings.
You are trans. You know it, and she knows it. That will always be true. You talk about the concerns you have that transition will bring to your marriage, but you need to also consider the ways that repression will harm your marriage and your family. If you could just suck up the dysphoria and ignore it, you wouldn’t be here, you wouldn’t have had these conversations with your wife. You’ve had them, because ignoring who you are isn’t a long term option.
If you suck it up, and just try and deal with the dysphoria and hide who you are, you will know you are doing it, and so will your wife. The anger and pain that comes with repression, the guilt your wife will feel if she believes you are not living true to yourself for her sake… You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. Transitioning may break your marriage, but so will ignoring who you are.
I can’t promise you that your marriage will survive. The truth is, many marriages don’t survive transition. But many do. Ultimately, if your wife is not able to accept and love you for who you are, nothing you can do will save your marriage. So what you can do, is do your best to help her accept who you are. You can take things slowly, you can communicate often, and you can put her comfort in the forefront of the decisions you make. But that will only work if you’re helping her come to accept you for who you are. If all you are doing is helping her live in some form of denial, your marriage won’t survive, no matter how much you want it to.
Just to add another option, would it be viable to divorce but stay good friends? Relationships are complicated and on a spectrum; it doesn’t need to end with your transition, but it might change. Also, there are platonic marriages and such for those into that. Something to consider at the very least.
No easy answer. You’re kinda SOL. Something’s gonna suck one way or the other, and I don’t think there’s any way to tell from across the internet what the best choice here is.
Your wife is already in love with a lady. Who you are isn’t going to change. That doesn’t mean there will be no changes to attraction, but take solace in knowing she already has the homo
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