I’ve had several conversations/arguments recently with my brother making clear my system of values and my hatred for the wealthy. He is nearly diametrically opposed on all accounts and often makes light of their actions. He goes so far as to say that poor people and people in need of social services should have to figure things out for themselves. He often defends Elon Musk and champions him for being self made.
He is getting married in a foreign country soon and I have been able to put aside our differences and have been planning on going
…up until yesterday that is. I asked him of his thoughts on Musk’s seig heil maneuver and he sent a right wing meme of democratic leaders caught mid wave, saying that “they did it first”. He continued to be avoidant and didn’t respond to me calling it a strawman.
In this moment it feels necessary to cancel my plans to send a message that this is not ok. Am I the (or an) asshole for not going to his wedding because of this?
Depends on how strongly you value your relationship with your brother. He may be a fuckwaffle, but he is your fuckwaffle. It’s big of you setting your differences aside. If you don’t go, and he means a lot to you outside of his political views, then you might regret not going. If you don’t really care for him and political ideology is more important then dont go. I think not going is kind of crossing the Rubicon, but I don’t know the situation part from your details
I think you’re the most correct person here.
OP, it’s your life and relationships. Of course people on the internet will tell you to pull the trigger on the nuclear option, because they don’t experience any of the fallout of you making a hardline decision.
I’m not saying go to the wedding. I’m just saying consider how it might affect your relationship with him and the rest of your immediate family and decide if that’s going to be a better situation overall, before acting.
Very level headed answer. We like to stand on principle here, but if OP doesn’t go that’s pretty much the end of their relationship, we’re talking decades to repair. If that’s what OP wants that’s what OP wants, but in this case it might be better to take the high ground and say “I think your political views are horrendous, but you’re still my brother”. Get a few drinks then duck out after the speeches.
I agree. Don’t think about it like going to the wedding or not. Decide if you want to cut ties with your brother and possibly other parts of your family. Maybe also people that don’t share his political opinions but still side with him in terms of the wedding. Chances are high that not going will permanently damage your relationship to your brother and possibly other family members that side with him. If you value your ideals higher than your family, that’s perfectly okay. But from perspective you aren’t forced to do that.
I cut my sister out of my life and didn’t go to her wedding for similar reasons. I don’t regret it one bit and it has helped my mental health tremendously. However, I didn’t do it to “teach her a lesson,” or “prove anything,” I did it so I could live with myself, and stay true to my values. We all only have limited time and energy on this planet, so think about the way you spend them and what’s most important to you. For me, my biological family is toxic. My chosen family is awesome.
I relate to this very strongly. And maybe it’s not an AITAH type question — I think of it as doing something for myself more than anything else. Sure I might lose relationships with family members but what will I gain emotionally and mentally? And will that outweigh the familial loss in the long run? … Lots to think about
Feel free to reach out to me directly if I can be a sounding board or anything. Best of luck…it’s certainly not easy, but for me, it was worth the introspection and effort.
Really? How hard is it to not talk politics.
With right wingers, it’s completely impossible.
If your brother defending a nazi salute at a nazi inauguration isn’t reason enough for you to sit out his wedding, what on earth would be?
“If 10 people sit on a table with a Nazi, there are 11 Nazis on that table”.
You are not the asshole.
That’s quite a strong table, holding 11 people
The other 10 are just infants obviously.
At? Sometimes I don’t remember it on the fly
People cut out family members for much less. I feel we are at a crucial turning point, and all we have left is letting the people we have a connection to know, that these stances are radical and not normal and that having them will have consequences. In your case not having a sibling at their wedding.
Nah, don’t go if you don’t want to. Family are just randomly assinged people you share the same genes with. If you don’t like them you don’t have to force yourself to like them in order to appease random strangers online.
If he truly is your family and loves you, like all the “nonono he family you cant do this to FAMILY” posters are saying, he will understand and not hate you. If he does, fuck him.
No offence but this is advice of a traumatized child. This is not how families should be and if this is yours, you need genuine therapy, definetly not giving others advice on family. Op do not listen to this
No offense, but this is advice from someone that’s not related to a rabbid wolverine with a toothache and a chemical imbalance. Some relatives are fucking nightmares, and no amount of tolerance is gonna change that. Walking away is sometimes the best for your mental health. Can confirm. My psycho sister disowning the whole family was the greatest gift she ever gave us.
OP, unless you’re in therapy and Shezzgrad is your licensed professional help, then ignore their advice.
You’re kinda making it clear your projecting your own family issues onto op as my original comment to you. I have a psycho sister too, thing is, there’s a difference between differences in thought and being a literal fucking psycho, psycho is sending is shattering the family at the drop of the hat because you feel slighted, thinking Elon is the coolest dude ever (he isn’t) isn’t the same level, things aren’t black and white.
OP, unless you’re in therapy and Shezzgrad is your licensed professional help, then ignore their advice.
When I said it originally I was being a dick, but I think you may want to genuinely consider therapy, family traumas can be everlasting and can really kick in later on in adulthood, your sister experience sounds similar to mine
So it’s not your professional opinion then, Dr.
When I said it originally I was being a dick, but I think you may want to genuinely consider therapy
I, too, was being a dick because you give advice like you’re intimately aware of the situation, when I’m guessing you are not. I’ve done therapy. Didn’t change the fact that I’m related to a person that would shove her kids into traffic if the mood suited. My ultimate point being that just because someone is a relative DOES NOT mean you need to keep them in your life.
And beyond saying i have a psycho sister, what gives you the impression that our experiences are similar? I didn’t give a single detail. Unless we compare notes, that’s just you basing an opinion on your experiences. Projecting, if you will.
Okay dude, whatever you say. You can take your anger out on me, but you’re proving you clearly were projecting your own issues and you need therapy. I hope you work through your issues dude, but your experience aren’t the same as op over here. You’re sister sounds truly awful and I hope you know it isn’t your fault
You’re right in that this is not how families should be. They should be people you care about and trust.
Your family does get a pass for being family; you maybe don’t share the same interests or lifestyle that would otherwise form a distance in childhood friends that eventually fizzles out, but with families this shouldn’t be the case.
But then sometimes your family members end up (or you discover) they are bad people. Yet even then you may stand with them as they sell drugs or rob people or even have killed people; they’re still family and what they’ve done can be understandable even if wrong.
Then there are Nazis and Nazi sympathizers, apologists, and supporters.
Families should stick together, but people also shouldn’t be Nazis. So here we are.
Well said, in my personal opinion we should stick close to family but there are lines, and each person’s lines are different, but I feel generally that line should be for their actions and not their ideas or thoughts. Being a trump supporter Vs a Jan 6 rioter or a proud boy are different levels to me. We should try to change our families mind to an extent, if they can’t or won’t change or if you’re not a great debater. Honestly unless your family hurts others, I can keep it together.
Do you care if others see you as an asshole? Remove morality and other social obligations from it, if you don’t like someone, you don’t like someone. If spending time with this person upsets you, don’t. Hell, even if you force yourself to go there’s a chance he’ll get under your skin and you’ll end up causing a problem.
99.9% of these posts boil down to “should I do what I want with my own life?”
Yes, you should do what you want with your own life.
You can do whatever you want with your own life, but many of those things will make you an asshole.
The question posed is “will doing the thing I want to do make me an asshole”
Is being tolerant of assholes an asshole move?
Could be. Tolerance and assholes aren’t binary states, so it depends on the context what the measure is.
If someone intentionally steps on an ant at a funeral, and I decide I’m not going to let it slide and interrupt the eulogy to give an impassioned lecture about how needless killing is immoral, even if it’s an ant, I’d be an asshole.
If I saw some schoolyard bullies beating up a kid and I didn’t intervene I’d be an asshole.
That first example may just make you out to be an inconsiderate psychotic.
Skipping a wedding is not a good way to make a point. And it’s one you can’t undo.
My advice is to tell him you two need to have a difficult conversation later. But do so after the wedding. However much you disagree, you can always agree to just think the other is hella stupid and leave it at that.
Lmao “not a good way to make a point” – it’s an excellent one, precisely because it’s so impactful.
Your argument is like “no we should wait, pray, and do fucking nothing” after a school shooting happened.
Perhaps I should clarify things even further:
They are actually already married and I was at their first wedding. It was done at the courthouse during the pandemic so they could initiate her greencard application. This upcoming wedding is more of a celebration for the families.
I have two other brothers who are not going for unrelated reasons.
Not that these facts necessarily change anything, I felt they’re worth bearing in mind.
Yeah, you went to the wedding already. You did your part. Asking you to go to another country for something that’s already done just screams “give me attention” more than a wedding already does. That should be enough on its own.
I think you should go and sarcastically call his wife a DEI hire/wife the whole time lol
DEI hire/foreign worker lmao
I think that does change things.
I was previously inclined towards something like, “He’s your brother, and I would try and say to him that while you disagree with him as fully as it’s possible to, you will still be there because he’s your brother, and that still means something to you” or similar. Something that might get him to understand that this isn’t easy for you.
However, if you were already at his actual wedding, and this is just a party in another country, nah - tbh, I think it’d be fair to give it a miss even if he wasn’t being a Nazi apologist.
That changes nothing. You need to decode whether you want your brother in your life and how much if the family ypu would want cutting off.
You’re not the asshole. Your brother is the asshole for being a right winger.
Cheeto Hitler’s new term is gonna prompt a lot of people to perform a much needed purge of chuds in their social circle.
Didn’t read the post body. NTA.
you’ll never be an asshole for not dealing with nazi apologists homie
I think you need to look at this differently. Look at it in the light of the event itself.
Will you enjoy going to the wedding? Will you enjoy your free time wherever this is before/after the wedding? Can you see yourself regretting not going? Will there be other like minded people to mingle with?
If the answer to those questions are no, then don’t go. But if the answers are yes, just go and enjoy yourself.
Your making this more complicated than it needs to be… you’re not the one marrying your brother.
For what it’s worth: something I haven’t seen come up (so while this is a pragmatic perspective, don’t pretend I’m dismissing the importance of your relationship and your values! I’m only adding this for variety and discussion)
People can change. Many won’t, but some do. [vid: former white supremacists describing their process of leaving] Whether you think your brother is willing or able to change is your call, and whether it’s worth the emotional and mental strain is your call. You aren’t obliged, but it’s worth considering.
People who have left these ideologies, from what I’ve heard, often come back to two main points - they had someone in their life who cared about them, but was also unwilling to tolerate their bullshit, and they had to want to leave it by themselves. Honestly, I see parallels with people recovering from serious drug addictions and cults like QAnon.
But, again, this isn’t easy and there’s no guarantee of them changing, so do not feel obliged to even try. Your health is more important, and there are plenty of other ways you can help change the world.
